It’s been a while since I wrote a Waiting for Grace post here on my blog. During my Waiting for Grace hiatus here I have written a little bit for Dancing Upon Barren Land. But there’s an event coming up next month that has the whole baby situation on the fore-front of my mind.
I’m turning 26 in less than a month.
I just heard my ovaries let out a huge sigh.
See, my ovaries, those little gals who are supposed to help make the babies, aren’t packing the right amount of punch to make that happen. There aren’t enough eggs in the carton. The medical, scientific translation for my vernacular is that I have a “low ovarian egg reserve.” With that said, at age 25, seeing age 26 in the horizon makes me a little sad because that’s another year that my ovaries have time to shrivel up. Everyone always says, “You’re still young. You have plenty of time.” Well, just because my age is young doesn’t mean my lady-innards are acting the same way. I really dislike the you’re-still-young generalization, but these people don’t know my story so I don’t hold it against them.
But here’s the deal. Yeah, that might be my diagnosis. And when people ask, “Have you been tested? Do they know why you can’t get pregnant?” scratching the surface, saying “I have endometriosis and a low ovarian egg reserve” is a part of the rehearsed speech that I give them because everybody needs a reason for the junk that happens in life…including me. So I have this label, this diagnosis that’s for everyone’s peace of mind. However, there’s this crazy-awesome God that I serve. It’s the same God who healed a blind man, who healed lepers, who raised his homies from the dead, and who put a man’s ear back on his head after Peter chopped it off (that one always blew me away). This God is a God who does miracles. So even though my ovaries haven’t been doing their job for the last two years…at the time in my life when I’m supposed to become a mom, God will snap his fingers and my ovaries will do exactly what they need to do to make that happen…because God can work a miracle.
That’s what I’m believing…but you know what? Here’s another thing that’s been on my heart lately. I’m also working on and praying about what if that doesn’t happen? I’m not trying to be negative but what if our family is supposed to come together through adoption? I read Lisa Osteen Comes’ book, You Are Made For More and in chapter 7 she talks about her and her husband, Kevin’s, struggle with infertility. They did every fertility treatment but it ended up that God had a different plan for them. The way she tells about how their adoptions fell into place moved me to tears and really moved something around in my heart. Their story is so beautiful! Reading her story was a turning point for me. I’ve always told God, “I want to experience being pregnant.” That has been the cry of my heart because I want to know what it feels like to carry my little baby(ies) inside of me. And it still is.
But after reading her book I took a step in faith; I began to pray for God’s will. Sure, I’ve prayed for God’s will but no, this is like praying for his TOTAL ABSOLUTE WILL in our path to parenthood. Not the one where I still have my hand in it. But the kind that says…
You know what I need better than I do.
You know what I can handle.
You know the pieces of the puzzle.
You see the puzzle already finished.
You can have absolute control.
That’s a bold leap of faith right there because God can take that and do something you never imagined, that you weren’t expecting. And it might hurt for a while but it will mold you into what you need to be. Into what he has designed you for.
I’ve taken that leap of faith and prayed for God to work in my heart as far as how our parenthood will come to fruition. Of course I want to be pregnant more than anything and carry my own child, but I also want God’s will. And if God’s will is for my babies to be carried by another woman and for our family to come together through adoption then I need him to work on me, to mold my heart, to give me peace. I’m still working on being bold in that request, and trusting that God will far exceed my greatest expectations. I know he can do more than I could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). He’s never failed me. Why would he with this.
So with turning 26, yeah, I’m a little anxious that my biological clock is on warp speed. And I’m really tired of hearing people say, “You’re still young” because it’s cliche, contrite, and doesn’t mean anything. However, I know that age isn’t an issue with the God of the universe. He already has my motherhood on his calendar with my path to motherhood already planned out. I just have to wait until it’s time and be blown away with however it’s supposed to happen.