I’m a planner. I’ve been planning each detail of my life since I was a kid. A lot of women I’ve read about and talked to who have struggled with infertility seem to have this same thing in common. They’re planners too. But their entire lives, since they were little girls, they planned on becoming moms.
I can’t say this is me because that would be lying. I always feel like an anomaly whenever I hear women say, “All I ever wanted to be was a mom” and then I have to fight the feelings that any of us deserves motherhood more or less based on how we planned our lives while we were still playing with Barbies. Truthfully, I never had the desire to be a mom until after I got married. Maybe I had seen one too many episodes of Maury where the 13 year old girls wanted to be moms and Maury was nice enough to give them a taste of reality with those weird real-life baby dolls. Maybe it was because it had been pounded in my brain all through my adolescence that I needed to work hard to reach my goals and I didn’t need any distractions – boys or babies. I was selfish and didn’t want anything to hold me back. I was too busy dreaming of moving to New York City to be an actress and a writer. I had always dreamed of moving to New York. I had an image of what life would be like; I’d move to New York City and make five best friends and we’d hang out at a coffee shop while I’d try to make a career in the entertainment industry.
Wait, that’s the plot of Friends.
Okay, okay. I’d move to New York as a naïve southern girl trying to make it in show biz and I get a job at a big ad agency where I’m constantly denying my boss’s advances.
Alright so I was the one fan of Kristin Chenoweth’s six episode sitcom, Kristin.
When I met Aaron my plans began to change. I realized that I had found a wonderful man and that at the end of my life my career wouldn’t be holding my hand, my husband would. Once I got married the only thing that mattered was our marriage. My plans changed. My dream became making a future with my husband and making new plans with him. Our dream molded into becoming parents some day. We eventually wanted to have kids but getting married while still in college with barely any money postponed our parenthood plans and we did what we could in the meantime – we enjoyed spending time together, just the two of us.
Once we settled into marriage we started getting excited about making a little mini ‘us.” A third Bunker in this world? You’re welcome! haha! We began making plans to become parents. We decided on a timeline, when to start trying, how we would break the news, what we would do after we had the baby. We saved money, we worked on our individual character so we could be role models for our kids, and we worked on our relationship so our marriage could be a Godly example of how marriage is supposed to work. We planned.
But plans change.
My plans include being a mom and I know it’s going to happen.
In my heart I’m a mom already; I just don’t have my babies in my arms yet.
Our plans of parenthood are way past due based on the timeline we made. But one thing I’ve learned is that we aren’t in control no matter how much we plan. There is a greater plan and a greater calling in all of this. I can’t see it yet but one of these days I’ll be snuggling my little ones in my arms I’m going to look back and see how beautifully perfect our story had played out. Yes, those greater plans included pain and heartache but those things will have molded us into the people we are supposed to become. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, although I’m often sure that he is over-confident in me. Life is all about how we react to the change of plans. It’s a constant choice to react with hope and faith.
Maybe you’re like us and you’re struggling with fertility. Or you’re an adoptive parent waiting on your little ones to come home. Maybe you’re that single woman waiting on a husband when your plans to have a family should have started a long time ago. Or you’re waiting to have that career you’ve always planned having. Whatever your plans are, choose to have hope and faith. Sometimes plans change like my plans of living life alone with just me and my career. Sometimes it feels like we’re walking through a desert like with our fertility struggle. But I know one thing and can promise this:
For I know the plans I have for you; plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
God’s plans are so much greater and better than our own.
I’m linking this post up over at Eisy Morgan’s Heart Therapy.