I’ve just started doing a Bible study with HOPE, the infertility support group I’ve been going to at Lakewood. The book is called Surviving Infertility: What the Bible Says About Your Baby Hunger by Beth Forbus. We are only on the second chapter but I can already feel the difference this is making in my life – in my emotional struggle with this issue.
The first chapter tells us to read John 9, the story of Jesus healing the blind man by spitting in mud and smearing it on his eyes.
I read through John 9 and started answering the questions the author asks. The question that stood out to me was this:
“What do you think was going through the blind man’s mind when he heard Jesus spitting?”
I had never thought about this perspective. The answer immediately came out. I could feel myself sitting in his spot. He probably thought Jesus was like everyone else – judging him, mocking him, then defiling him because of his status. This man turned to Jesus and asked him to help him with his greatest need. Imagine, as a blind man, hearing the sound of a man spitting after asking such a desperate question. It breaks my heart to think that this man would have thought that Jesus was trying to hurt him.
I could identify with the blind man. His blindness is my infertility. And when I ask the Lord to please let me be pregnant I feel like my menstrual cramps and unnatural craving for chocolate is the sound of Jesus spitting.
But what was happening outside of that man’s own mind, sound, and comprehension? Jesus was taking something so disgusting and humiliating and using it to bring miraculous healing! What we perceive isn’t always what is happening. Jesus was spitting and to us it’s him cursing us when really, it’s Jesus taking what we think is a curse and turning it into a miracle!
So often I find myself finding some fault in myself for the reason I’m having trouble getting pregnant. I think, “What is so wrong with me that God doesn’t want me to have a baby?” In reading this story in John about the blind man I found that he asked the same thing. This scripture punched me in the gut:
This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. John 9:3-4
Whoa. Do you ever read a scripture you’ve read a thousand times and then at one particular moment those words seem to flash at you like light outside a window while you’re trying to sleep? It jolts you out of that deep spiritual sleep you’ve been in and slaps you across the face. Here’s what that scripture said to me:
Hannah, this is happening to you because I want to use you to show the world what an awesome God I am.
At some point, I don’t know when, Jesus is going to spit in some mud and I’m going to have my miracle…however that miracle will come to us. All of this pain and heartache is just an opening act for the big show. This is going to be a testimony to show what an awesome God we have. I began to think, what an honor – what an honor that God would trust me with such a burden and that in spite of what we’re going through, could trust that His awesomeness could be seen in me. In ME. In little ‘ol me.
And he trusts you. I want to encourage you. If you are going through a trial right now and feel like when you’re asking for help that Jesus is spitting, remember that Jesus took something that seems horrible to us and turned it into a miracle. He trusts you with his miracle and although it may be hard to see it through all the muck, it’s an honor. Our pain and struggles are not to be taken lightly, but with God, there is nothing to big or too small. We have a great God who can take something so painful and turn it into a beautiful miracle.
Keep going. Your miracle is coming.
But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.