Hannah Bunker »

Waiting for Grace: Fear

This first thing I want to say is I have been so overwhelmed – in a good way – by all of the messages, texts, phone calls, and conversations I have had and received about our infertility struggle. We have so many people praying for us that God’s probably like, “Duuuude!” So many people have opened up to me about their own struggles and several people have told me that reading our story has helped them grasp an understanding and be able to relate to loved ones who are dealing with infertility. I’m so glad that Aaron and I decided to start talking about our struggles openly not only because it allows me to be honest here on the blog and share what’s really going on in my heart, but because I can already tell that it’s making a difference in people’s lives. So awesome.

I’d also like to mention something about the post I wrote, The Dos and Don’ts of Dealing with a Fertility Challenged Friend. I’ve received several apologies from numerous people apologizing for anything they might have said that could have hurt me. While, I appreciate the apology and thought and concern that we may have been hurt, I want to assure you that there was no poster child for that post. I’m not harboring any grudges against anyone who has ever said anything to me about our baby plans. I have, however, been annoyed at complete strangers who, upon the first time meeting me, have said, “You’re stupid if you want to have kids” and “You’ve been married long enough that it’s time to get knocked up.” I’ve found myself fighting pulling a Jerry Springer-like “You don’t know me!” on them. Again, no grudges here, just surprised at the bluntness of strangers. I know friends and family haven’t done anything out of mean-ness so I’m totally cool. That post was meant as a random list of opinions from myself and others who have dealt with infertility. And please don’t be afraid to talk to me. Really, I’m a pretty chill person and love talking to people and will not be offended if you ask me how things are going, have questions about what we’ve been through, or are curious about how fertility treatments work. I’m more than happy to talk about it.

Now, the real purpose of this blog post is to discuss another point that’s been on my heart. I started writing a post last week about my fears with our infertility struggle. But I felt like my writing was all over the place and decided to set it down for a while. Do you ever feel that way? Anyway, then I saw that Eisy Morgan’s Heart Therapy prompt this week is about fear and discussing the fears that we have, deal with, and struggle with. I felt it was a little coincidental that I had just started a post about my infertility fears so I sucked it up, focused, and I’m now pumping out that blog post.

My heart and my gut know deep down that everything is going to be okay and that our little ones are on their way to us. But the surface of me – the human part of me – is fighting a constant battle…a depression battle. A jealousy battle. A fear battle. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that we are going to sink a ton of money into trying to get pregnant and we’ll end up empty handed. I’m afraid that once I do get pregnant that we’ll lose the baby. I’m afraid that Aaron’s going to die before I’m able to have a family with him. It’s a daily battle to stay positive and have faith. But the fear that plagues me the most is I’m afraid that I will never get to experience pregnancy.

Bam. I said it. That thought strikes a fear in me that will bring me to tears if I so much as let that thought enter my head…which I just did…and now I’m tearing up a little bit. Not lying. This is going to be a rough post to write.

Not only is this going to be an emotional post to write because of the thought of never experiencing pregnancy, but because we just found out that I’m probably not hatching enough eggs to get this baby maker working on its own. That totally plays into my no-pregnancy fears.

Here’s the deal; I want to be a mom so bad and we will take whatever road we need to take to get me there. We’ve had discussions about adoption and feel that this is a road we will be taking in the future whether or not we have biological children. And even though I have a very special place in my heart for adoption I want so bad to see those two lines on that pregnancy stick. I think the desire to carry a little nugget is something built within most women. I want to know what it’s like to have a human growing inside of me, pushing on my bladder, and kicking me in the ribs. Nothing has ever sounded so gorgeous.

I’ve dealt with this from the very beginning of our trying to get pregnant. I would ask myself, “What if I’m not physically able to carry a child? Would I be okay with that?” At this point in our struggle I have to be honest and say “NO. I would NOT be okay with that.” I know there are women out there who have had to face this issue and it breaks my heart. They have found motherhood through other venues and I full-heartedly believe that they are still as much of a mother as the other woman who went through six pregnancies. However, I feel if that were me – if I were in the position where I would not be able to become pregnant – I would fight and struggle with the feeling that I’m less of a woman because I wasn’t able to carry a child.

We are nowhere near this situation. I do not have to face these fears at this point. And why fret and worry over something that hasn’t happened yet? It’s just the worst-case-scenario part of me that likes to dwell on that kind of crap. Yes, we just came up to a mountain that we’re about to climb with this whole egg thing but I know that, in spite of whatever circumstances we face in the future, I will know what it’s like to be pregnant and push a baby out of my lady-hood and into this world….or lay on a table while I have a C-section. Whichever. Hopefully the former. I will be pregnant someday. It’s a promise I’m holding onto.

And you know what? These fears are just negative thoughts from the nasty devil on my shoulder used as tactics to break my faith and diminish my hope. I can choose to play into these fears and live a life believing that there’s no blessing waiting for me. Or I can be positive and believe that deep-down-feeling I have that God knows my desire to be pregnant and that it’s going to happen. Truthfully, though I’m grieving right now that our pregnancy efforts are now even harder to obtain, I’m feeling incredibly hopeful. It’s just going to be an even more awesome testimony for when to do have our little nugget(s). It’s like I wrote in my very first Waiting for Grace post: Hope eventually seeps through the dark clouds until I’m warmed by its glow.

So true.

 

 

 

 

  • Sarah - Gosh, I just want to say "ditto". I feel like you put my exact thoughts into words and I admire your transparency. Thanks for sharing your journey. These were words I needed to hear tonight. ReplyCancel

  • Kyla - I have my own Big Fear (some fears deserve capital letters, LOL) and I think the trickiest part is to acknowledge it enough that it doesn't eat you alive from the inside out while not dwelling on it so much that you become paralyzed by it. Some days it is harder to maintain that balance! I always try to remind myself about Matt 6:34, too. ReplyCancel

  • Barbie - Beautiful as always. Hannah you are gorgeous inside and out and it flows through your words.

    I had those same fears. I often felt like because I so desperately wanted to be a mom, just for spite, I'd have trouble getting pregnant. While my story is nothing like your journey at all, I understand that fear of missing out on pregnancy. The fear that despite the fact that you WILL be a mom some how, some way, that missing out on that amazing journey of pregnancy would somehow rob you of the true joys of being a mama. Gosh, even having experienced pregnancy I still get all droopy and sad thinking about it.

    You are going to be a mama so SOON. I am believing that with all of my heart. While I cannot say 100% for sure that you will experience pregnancy, I can say that I personally feel that you will! In my heart of hearts I think you will see those pink lines just as much as I think Judy Garland is the greatest (and you know that's a LOT! She's my Lucy). Love you so very much and you and AB are always on my mind and in my prayers. ReplyCancel

  • Blair - here i am, finding your blog a year after you wrote this post {and now a year into our TTC + fertility journey} and i'm just in awe of God that He gave your the exact words for what i, deep down in my heart, have been wrestling with! i've struggled for the past few months trying to pinpoint what this fear was, and you just hit the nail on the head for me with this post! thank you for choosing to let God speak through you, i'll be praying that you, myself, and the many other women out there like us all are blessed with the honor of experiencing pregnancy and bringing a new life into the world. ReplyCancel

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