A little coffee date with a side of brain dump.

I love coffee. If you’ve been around my internet space for any amount of time you know that coffee is a love language of mine. One thing that sparks life and energy in me is sitting down with a dear friend with a cup of coffee in our hands and dive in to deep, meaningful conversation. I can’t even begin to express to you what that does for my heart. It’s so refreshing and healing to my heart and my soul.

I haven’t been blogging the past two weeks. I think it’s time that you and I, dear reader(s?), had a virtual cup of coffee together and sat down to have a heart to heart. This tired soul needs a little refreshing and I think an interwebs coffee date may do just the trick…

…I’ll start off by telling you I’m sorry for being flighty with you and not being around as much. I’ve been melancholic the past several weeks. I can’t remember what triggered it. It’s not depression or sadness…just an introspective quietness. Melancholy. I just know that I haven’t really felt like conjuring up the energy to be social here on the blog and I had to let go of the guilt I felt for taking a small break. I’m not up for small talk. I like meaty conversation. But writing meaty content takes so much time and energy and I just don’t have that.

The only thing I’ve really felt like doing is sitting outside (the weather has been really nice), listening to birds chirp, watch the squirrels run around, and think. Just think.

…As I start sipping my iced vanilla latte I’d talk to you about the future. I took the Strengths Finder test and my top three strengths are futuristic, ideation, and intellection. I may write a post about all that later, but in summary these three things mean that my strengths come from having my head in the clouds, dreaming, coming up with ideas, and envisioning the future. It’s comforted me to take this test and realize that I’m not aloof, I’m just a whimsical dreamer and that these characteristics add value to the world. I give myself a little more grace now for being this way (instead of feel like I’m wasting time) and actually try to schedule “head time” where I just dream and journal my visions for the future. So I’d talk to you a little bit about those visions and maybe even open up my journal for you. It’s important to share these things with others to motivate yourself to make them happen and to motivate others to get a glimpse beyond what they can envision.

…I’d tell you I haven’t been doing much writing lately. And when I say “much” I mean “none.” And I feel SO VERY guilty for that. I’ve met with a writing coach to start forming and editing my book. I love having a coach and I’m really stoked about working with her. I turned in some work in March and received my edits. They were brutal but awesome. Seriously, I’m odd because I was excited to receive her critiques because I so want to be the best writer I can be. But I have had absolutely zero energy to take my brain and emotions to the place I need to go to write what I need to write. I pray for Holy Spirit inspiration every time I sit down at the computer to revise my work and I’m just emotionally spent and nothing gets done. I feel like I’m writing in stutters. So the work remains unfinished. Why do I feel guilty? Because I should be professional and if I had an actual deadline things would have to get written no matter how I feel. So I feel unprofessional and full of excuses and if there’s one thing I absolutely hate, are excuses. But I’m still waiting for that burst of inspiration so the writing won’t be so laborious. But maybe that’s what it has to be right now to sculpt me to where I need to be.

…I’d tell you I have this yerning to lead, to minister, to speak. It’s a seed that was placed in my heart a long time ago. Which it slightly unlike me because I’m a quiet person, yet I know I’m a leader. I see this season of my life as a time for prepping this vision to start sprouting. I see God giving me the tools I need. I don’t know exactly where or how this can take place. But I know it will. And I know he will equip me.

…I also feel totally unworthy because every time I feel like I have life figured out, like I’m super-spiritual and unshakeable…then something comes and smacks me off my pedestal. Very humbling and I’m thankful for those smacks. It just keeps reminding me how desperately I need my Savior. It keeps me begging for his Spirit and presence in my life. It keeps me asking for wisdom and guidance and GRACE.

…I’m often scared to share these faults because I don’t want anyone to think less of me. I find myself wanting to keep this “perfection” mask on in front of everyone because I don’t want to be rejected. But so often I have to remind myself…It’s not about being perfect, it’s about always having an open heart and emotions that I constantly pour out before the Lord. It’s about loving people. It’s about constantly seeking after Jesus. It’s about being vulnerable with our struggles, lifting each other up, and praying through our issues. And he’ll allow the right people in your life who will love you in spite of those faults…the kind of people that are “iron sharpens iron” kind of people like it says in Proverbs.

…Speaking of those kinds of friends…my friends are the best. Classy. Down-to-earth. Non-judgy. Loving. Smart. Godly. I’ve been so overwhelmed with gratitude for the relationships the Lord has given me. I have friends that I’ve known my whole life and newer friends that will be life-long. I find myself saying every day, “Thank you Jesus, for the precious gift you’ve given me in my friends.” And over the past month my heart has been so full because I’ve been able to spend some good quality time with some of my dearest friends.

…I’d probably tell you I love you. I’d want to talk about how I always remember that the phrase “I love you” was always used sparingly. It wasn’t to be used unless you really meant it. But love was a condition based on what you did. So my loving you was based on how you treated me. I had a warped view of love. But then God gave me the honor of marrying a man who exuded unconditional love…the love like Jesus has. And over the past eight years I have known Aaron, God has transformed my heart. Love is a choice. One I have to choose every day…with Aaron, with my friends, with my family…no matter what they have done. I love because I know Love…the love of my Father.

…I’m probably on my second latte by now because I told you I’m a big coffee drinker.

…did I mention I’m trying to cut back on sugar? I’ve noticed and felt my blood pressure spiking when I eat too much sugar so I’m trying to cut down. I told Aaron that my heart was palpitating and my eyes felt swollen after drinking a glass of sweet tea and that’s normal occurrence with sweets and he showed concern. He doesn’t normally get concerned about these things but since he did, I’m making a conscious effort to scale back.

…we’ve been talking about a lot of deep, emotional, and spiritual stuff. I’ve probably made a few jokes her and there. But in spite all of the seriousness, I’m a jokester with a dry sense of humor. There was probably a “that’s what she said” thrown into the conversation.

 

…I’d remind you that Aaron’s birthday is tomorrow. We’re celebrating with some delicious food that I didn’t have to cook. That makes it a winning situation for us all…I don’t have to cook and no one has to eat my bad cooking.

Okay, so I shared a lot more than I intended. That’s what happens when we don’t speak for two weeks. And that’s what happens when you have two cups of coffee in you.

Thanks for coming on this coffee date with me and thanks for the quality time. Most importantly, thanks for listening. Means more than you know. 🙂

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